86% of Communication is non-verbal so what is yours telling your children?

Right from the get-go, children become adept at reading and making meaning of our facial and bodily gestures, our breathing, skin pigmentation and tonality. It is the language of the subconscious   and more often than not, the words that accompany our non-verbal cues become redundant and meaningless as our bodies do all the talking – which is not always good!

So whether you are the happiest parent on the planet or ready for some serious disciplining it is well worth drawing your awareness to what you are saying on top of what you are saying to ensure you are getting your message across.

To put this into context lets have a look at a classic scenario that plays out in lots of households.

You arrive back from a long day at work, you are stressed, tired and your mind is already busy churning over what’s going to happen tomorrow.  The house is a mess, the kids are squabbling over the remote and their homework books are still gathering banana in their schoolbags.  You are ready to explode.  Sound familiar?

Do you lose the plot, start pointing fingers, raise your arms in the air, roll your eyes, huff and puff, cross your arms, stamp your feet, feel the blood raising to your face, put hands on hips, start ranting, go about tidying the mess while showing your frustration, talk to yourself out loud about “how nobody listens/cares/can be bothered/understands the hard day you’ve had,” shut yourself away or blissfully ignore the situation because you feel you have lost control?

The reaction is totally understandable but unfortunately it sends out messages that inspire fear and rebellion rather than self-control, learning, respect and co-operation.  In other words and in order…

Heightening the negative behaviour rather than calming it, accusing, giving up, not listening, aggression, childishness, lack of self-control, undermining their capabilities, playing victim, disinterest, lack of guidance.

On the learning front, kids will readily follow suit if they think this is the way to achieve what they want.  But is that the answer?

By simply knowing how our bodies read and react to our thoughts naturally, it is always useful to acknowledge and be aware of our own state (particularly if its negative) before attempting to diffuse someone else’s.  The positive resources we need for the example task above are invariably confidence, assertiveness, and a calm disposition. To achieve those, take a few deep breaths, count to ten, clear your throat and imagine how you would deal with the situation if those involved were colleagues or other people’s children to gain appropriate control.  

The physiology changes that will develop naturally in your stance from such a process will be evident and far more impacting even before your verbal messages are heard.  If the TV or music is on, turn it off to focus attention, direct the children to sit with your hands, maintain silence while engaging eye contact, put your finger over your lips to encourage silence.  Now, and without even having uttered a word, you are in a much better place for any disciplining to be heard. By means of tailing off keep your words succinct with a no-nonsense and firm tone, eg. 

“Now, I know you are already aware that everyone in this house has responsibilities and what yours are, so when your homework is done and all your stuff is tidied away, and then (and only then) if it is still important to devise a system for who watches what when, we can surely discuss that calmly over dinner or, if you prefer, I can decide for you.  You have half an hour.”  Once you know the kids understand the implications, you can leave them to process it with confidence.

Positive language skills both verbal and non verbal, are very much at the core of maintaining happy and respectful relationships – it’s a pity we don’t learn them at school!

If you feel you would like to learn more about effective ways to communicate with your teenage children, and be coached in how to create a deeper connection, cantact me via www.teenacity.ie