If you happen to be a parent who can claim to know everything about your tween or teen you would certainly be in a minority and by the way, congratulations! The vast majority of us live in a “my world/your world” situation accentuated by slamming doors, grunts, rolling eyes, “you are so embarrassing” and little in between which merely keeps us guessing and jumping to conclusions – often the wrong ones!
As they mould their identities, the world of teenagers’ changes almost daily and it is a task to keep up with their motivations, dreams and concerns. What they loved yesterday they hate today and vice versa. They follow fashion, trends, celebrities, music, and the “cool” kids in their peer group. Parents are not invited into that world often because “we would not understand” and in most cases that is right, we don’t. “Turn that awful music down”, “Where do you think you are going looking like that?”, “You are hanging with the wrong people”, “how can you possibly think that?”, are the kinds of things that so easily slip off the tongue when we don’t agree with their choices, but such utterances only serve to drive a wedge in the relationship between teen and parent and sabotage their sense of belonging.
Over the years I have kept abreast of much of the advice delved out to parents who want to get to know their child better. You’ll find quizzes all over the internet on the subject, which suggest if you can answer the following kinds of questions with confidence you are doing a great job with any question marks providing the clues to where you are not up-to-date and could focus harder!!
A useful guideline, but bearing in mind the fickle nature of teens, in my opinion, knowing the answers to even half of these questions at any one time is pretty good going so don’t feel you need to rush out and fill the blanks in Spanish Acquisition style to justify yourself as a good parent.
Getting to know your teen involves being creative, being subtle, asking/valuing their opinions, ditching the judgment and, wherever possible, entertaining their world. Here are 10 ideas that might help:
- Who are your child's three best friends?
- Who is your child's greatest hero?
- What embarrasses them the most?
- What is their favourite music?
- What is their favourite colour
- What person outside the family has most influenced your child's life?
- What is their favourite subject at school and least favourite?
- Of what personal achievement is your child proudest?
- What is your child's biggest complaint about the family?
- If you could buy your child anything in the world what would they choose?
- What sites and social networks keep them at the computer?
- What really makes your child angry?
- What does your child want to be when they grow up?
- What has been the biggest disappointment in your child's life this year?
- What gift does your child cherish most?
- What non-school book has your child most recently read?
- What is your child's favorite food?
- What nickname is your child called at school?
- What is your child's most prized possession?
- What is your child's most cherished memory?
A useful guideline, but bearing in mind the fickle nature of teens, in my opinion, knowing the answers to even half of these questions at any one time is pretty good going so don’t feel you need to rush out and fill the blanks in Spanish Acquisition style to justify yourself as a good parent.
- Discuss the meaning of the words of songs they love, and sometimes choose to play them yourself sometimes (the kids will be surprised!).
- Flick through the magazines they like to read and find out what’s “cool.”
- If you are worried they may be doing something unhealthy, make up a story about some other kid you heard about doing that thing and ask yours for his/her opinion.
- Engage them in activities like the online Luscher Colour Test (www.colorquiz.com) - its fun and not only will you get a sense of their colour preferences, it also evaluates personality – which your child will agree with or not but it opens discussion of a more personal nature.
- Around the dinner table, play the values game, where everyone chooses 3 words by which they would like to be remembered. This might help http://www.stevepavlina.com/articles/list-of-values.htm
- 5 things you would take to a dessert island (things they love but don’t need).
- Ask their best friend for advice on buying a surprise gift. It will get back to them.
- Ask them for their advice on things (to help you) so turning the tables – my favourite!
- Know and be aware of the times for their favourite TV programme and organize a TV dinner of his/her favourite food around it and watch it too.
- Open you home to their friends and throw in a few pizzas.
Keep it fun, low key, and stay tuned - you will pick up a lot.
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